Originally Posted by
kamikaze_bad_ass
ok where do i start ?? of first off I'm gonna come completely clean when i have dropped off the face of the earth this last time it was cause i went into a christian program for life changing and basically for guys that have never learned to let go and guys addicted to something most drugs alcohol or pills but some like me just alcohol, weed, porn, money, and games and basically just tiring to get my life right. the times before that i was either staying with my aunt who has cancer and diabetes, my mother whom is extremely bipolar and her alcoholic or my brother and his wife who both hate me staying with them and whom are both Anti Christ i also have spent some time in extended stay hotels or cheap places for rent or in a homeless shelter a few times which is the program was that i was in to give a brief over view of my life (cause the long version is 40 pages long i know cause i had to write a 0 to 12 yrs old and a 13 to present about my life) i was born to my mother and father who were both doing every drug out there in the 70's i had spinal meningitis when i was 3mos old and lost all hearing in my left ear my father was a thief and a drug dealer at the time and progressed to him being a serial child molester of little girls usually under 13 years old and a raper i remember and i will never get this out of my head him having my mother tied to the bed post when i was 3 years old and beating and torturing her and raping her at the same time. i lived with him a few times growing up and he always treated me like shit my brother too. i have been molested in the past by him and he raped my half sister and my brothers first wife. the last time i saw him was over 15 years old bout when i was 16 when my grandfather pasted away ( his father ) my grandmother pasted away bout a year later he was there they let him come to the funeral in handcuffs and chains and leg irons cause he had just raped a 13 year old sheriffs daughter.between the physical abuse among other things i took from him and the verbalize mental and physical abuse from my mother. i have been thought 4 elementary schools, 5 middle schools and 2 high schools, i have had a hard time living a good life and having stability and finding out who i am my mother has been married 3 times with countless boyfriends most being alcoholics like her current boyfriend and u can imagine what i went thou with them i have live at a boys home and a few halfway houses and with complete strangers just to have a roof over my head including the on guy who was a ex co-worker of mine who was gay and force me to have sex with him so he wouldn't kick me out in the cold i could go on an on for hours but i need to stop her before i break down i have so many fronts like zaku that i don't know who is the real me i have the wound up tight like a ball when around any of my family, the nervous and shaking like a leaf and like walking around on eggshells when with my mother and boyfriend, i have the over attention getter and over eager and extremely hard worker when at work or in public and i have the overly funny and happy go lucke to try and get attention when on line or in game or out in clubs cause all i want is love, acceptance, happiness and to be wanted to be around and friendship. i have all these fronts cause i have a wall built up around my heart and soul so BIG AND THICK that i won't let anyone too close to my real feelings cause my heart is shattered into a billion pieces like glass and it would take a miracle worker to repair my heart and soul
ALL I WANT IS TO BE LOVED
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