Joke Corner

**DoT** · 01-01-2010

Hey! It's time to share some jokes!
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A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"

**NoogyMan** · 01-01-2010

HaHaHa! I love that one!

-"What is EggHead?"

-Thats what Mrs. Dumpty give to Humpty!!

Hahahaha!

-"Guess what I saw?!?!" - Wood.

-"Guess what I herd?!?!" - Sheep.

Those are just some random small corny ones haha.
-Noogyman

**BioHaZarD69** · 01-01-2010

some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but laugh when you see one tumble down the stairs! LMAO

**SmurfSniper** · 01-01-2010

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

**kamikaze_bad_ass** · 01-01-2010

good ones dottie and smurf sniper i like em both and DAAAMMN I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A THREAD LIKE THIS FOR A LONG TIME SO I COULD SHARE TWO OF MY FAVS

there are 3 guys traveling down the amazon in a canoe when they end up broke down and strained on this small island in the middle of nowhere, there captured by a bunch of cannibals an taken back to the leader of there tribe
the leader says to them "ok i'm gonna kill ya'll skin ya'll and make canoes outta your skins but before i do i'll give ya one last dying wish"
well the first guy says "fuck it if i gotta die i want a drink so give me some damn jack daniels" so they go and get a bottle of jack daniels and give it to him he chugs it down and they kill him and make a canoe outta him
the second guy he says "well if i gotta fucking die i at least want one more good fuck before i go" so they go and get the prettiest women in the tribe and when he's done they kill him and make a canoe outta him
the third guy thinks about it for a minute and says "well hell if i am gonna die a want a fork" the leader thinks about it for a sec and asks him again and the guy say's "damn it i want a fork" so he sends someone to find a fork and brings it back and hand it to the guy the guy takes it to his arm and starts stabbing himself repeatably and says "YA AN'T MAKING NO GODDAMN CANOE OUTTA ME!!"

2nd one

there are three guys that have sinned all there lives and go to hell a White guy a Black guy and a Mexican
when they get to hell they are taken in front of the devil himself and the devils tells them "ok i'm gonna give ya'll all one last chance to go to heaven but first ya'll have to sit in my hand and whoever last the longest i'll let go to heaven"
so the all say ok and eagerly jump in the devils right hand
a few hundred years pass and finally the White guy jumps off and screams HOT HOT
so the throw him in the fiery pit
a few more hundred years pass and the Mexican finally jumps off yelling HOT HOT and fanning his ass at the same time so the throw him in the pit
a couple of thousands years pass and amazed he looks down at the Black guy and says "how the hell can you sit in my hand so long ?"
and the black guy looks up and says with a smirk on his face
"CHOCOLATE MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH NOT YOUR HANDS DUMB ASS!!"

p.s i apologize if the second one offends anyone
and i have a ton more to come so stay tuned kiddies

**NoogyMan** · 01-02-2010

LMFAO! I like yours Smurf haha!

Kami your's are awesome too! I think this thread will be a blast and a half!

ok... So three guys are on a ship. Well this huge storm comes and they end up ship wrecked on an island! They end up getting captured by some natives and they are taken to the cheif. The cheif says "I will let you three men live... but you have to pass a test first!" The three men jump on the chance to live and take the test. The chief sends them out in the woods to bring back as much of one kind of fruit they can find.

Well after a few hours the first guy comes back with two handfuls of grapes. The chief orders him to remove his pants and bend over. The chief stuffs the grapes up his ass one by one, and after all the grapes are up in his ass the chief says, "ok you pass you can live." Hours later the second guy comes back and he as two apples in his hands. The chief orders him to remove his pants and bend over, the chief stuffs the two apples up his ass, all the while the second man is laughing.... the chief asks "Why are you laughing so hard?" The second man says " I passed the thrid guy and he was carring a watermelon!"

-Noogyman

**DoT** · 01-02-2010

While making love, a man says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

Rofl Rofl
I had some from my cousin's Sex Jokes app, but I forgot some, i'll keep updating

**kamikaze_bad_ass** · 01-02-2010

here are some more i love that comes from the readers digest ( i love that magazine i read em mainly for the humor sections and columns )

wandering around the faigrounds, a man sees a fortune tellers tent and decides to go in for a quick laugh.the fortune teller tells him "you are the father of 2 kids" gazing into her magic crystal ball. "that's what you fucking think" says the man says scornfully. "I'm the father of three kids" laughing "THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK" SAYS THE LADY "

Indians ask there new cheif wheither it will be cold or mild that winter. since the young cheif never learned the ways of his ancestors he tells his tribe to go gather lots of firewood and goes off to call the national weather service. "will the winter be cold this year?" he asks. " looks like it" says the weather man. so the chief tells his people to go gather more firewood. a week later he calls again "are you positive it will be cold this winter" " absolutely" says the weather man." the chief tells his people to gather even more firewood. a week goes by and he calls yet again "are you sure it will be a cold winter" " I'm sure it's gonna be the coldest winter on record" "how do you know" asks the chief " because all the Indians are out gathering firewood"

my fav of all time

a priest a minister and a rabbi want to see who is best at his job so they decide to each go into the woods, find a bear and try to convert it. later that afternoon they get together . the priest begins " when i found the bear, i read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. next week will be his first Communion"
"I found the bear by the stream and preached to him god's holy word" says the minister. "he was so mesmerized that he let me Baptize him."
they both look down at the rabbi, who is laying on a gurney in a full body cast.
''looking back" he says "maybe i shouldn't have started with the Circumcision"

**ORGANDONOR** · 01-04-2010

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."